1 year

February 9th my little baby zoo turned 1 year old.  I thought I was handling it well but I'm really not. Don't get me wrong-I LOVE all the new tricks you develop everyday. I love watching his ah-ha moments. I love his cheesy grins and when he crawl to me, reaches up,  and say mama. I love his contagious laugh. But....

I miss the moments I when I would sit at night and feel you swimming around in my belly.

I miss twice a week listening to your heartbeat for at least 30 minutes at the NST's ( I don't however miss the stress the NST's caused me)

I miss the time we spent in the hospital before we got to go home. I absolutely LOVED when the nurses brought you into my room at night to nurse. Your cry sounded just like a tiny baby bird.

I miss all the time we spent at home after you were born. I was so worried about RSV I wouldn't take you anywhere.

I miss sitting on the couch holding you wrapped up like a burrito for hours.

I miss nursing you.

I miss your tiny clothes.

I miss how you always slept with your mouth wide open.

I miss staring at you with your daddy for hours on end and we'd tell each other about a kazillion times how cute you are.

I miss so many things about having a newborn baby to care for. I worry I will never love a newborn baby the way I loved my zaney zoo. I feel so guilty about the fact that I can NEVER see myself with another baby. It's not that I don't want more kids. I can't really explain it. I never thought that after one child I would feel done. I feel like I'm wussing out as a mom because I was given an angel baby and I'm not craving more. Maybe I'm just not ready for another child and my Heavenly Father knows that and is protecting me.